How to Handle Pain
by SophiaCrutchfeild
Summary: I can handle a lot. I can handle this. I just wish I didn't have to.
1. Handling it

Author's Note- There are stories you write because you're bored. There are stories you write because the idea won't leave you be. Then, there are stories you write because you have to. This is one of those.

Guess which character is speaking. I dropped a few hints.

I can handle a lot.

I can handle the loneliness, I can handle the backhanded comments, and I can handle being a freak. I can even handle danger, and pressure, and sleepless nights.

I can handle a lot.

I'm used to it. I try so hard to be perfect. I'm funny, smart, and kind to everyone. At least, I thought I was. They usually leave me alone, and I leave them alone. This goes for everyone in town. They just don't accept me for some reason, though I've lived here since I was three. Like I said, though, I'm used to it.

I just… I thought tonight would be different. That's all. All Hallows Eve. The one day I could shine. A girl like me can stand out as the best when everyone is trying to be frightening. I had been planning my costume for months. I wore a white dress, splattered with blood, painted my veins black, put black eye shadow in circles all around my eyes, and even wore real pearls for accents. I wore a long, black wig, and I was a picture of fear. I was so excited… the one night a year I could be a princess… I don't need much; just one day a year… is that too much to ask?

_Nothing_ changed. I tried so hard to be perfect, I worked so hard, I put so much into tonight… they ignored me. They said, "Nice costume," if that, and moved on. I was still alone. I got plenty of candy, but who cares? I didn't want stupid _candy,_ I wanted to have one night… just one… where I could feel alive.

I hate this stupid small town. I want to get out. I so want to get out.

I sat down on a swing in a nearby playground, let the long black hair make a curtain in front of my face, and cried. Everyone could see me. No one cared. Maybe they thought it was a plea for attention. Maybe they were right. The thing was, I was in a lot of pain. I thought about running into the nearby woods, or even following the train tracks to the city… but in the end, I just sat there and cried. It just hurts so much, feeling like you don't exist wondering if anyone would miss you if you died. You would almost rather be bullied, or something. Anything is better than to be alone.

I can handle a lot. I can handle this. I just wish I didn't have to.


	2. Creep

Author's Note- Ok, so I thought that it would be a one-shot, but… this popped into my head. I guess it's just going to be a follow-up. I may or may not post again. Who knows?

Guess who this is, and who "She" is.

I plugged in my iPod after a long day of nothingness. I've run out of things to put in my diary, to the point where I've stopped writing in it. The days run together, and it's torture. I'd rather be almost anywhere else. Not here. Tiny town, tiny people, it's enough to make anyone claustrophobic… if I had just one person…

_When you were here before… I couldn't look you in the eye. You're just like an angel. Your skin makes me cry._

I look in the mirror, and see a face I have grown to hate. Smile, makeup, no emotion, or they will know. I'm not beautiful, and I know that. I wish… I mean, there are people…

_You float like a feather in a beautiful world. You're so f(*&%ing special…_

She never gives in, never breaks, she doesn't care what people think, and she's a genuine person…

_I wish I was special._

I just want to be myself, and if not that… I at least want to be someone people know.

_But I'm a creep._

You said it, Radiohead. No one would like me if I tried to be someone. I've tried. It's easier to fade into the shadows.

_I'm a weirdo._

Who would like a girl who hates the makeup, isn't interested in gossip, keeps her head down at the times when she most wants to shine? She accepted me, she was actually kind, even when I showed myself… she made me feel like I was okay, if only for a second.

_What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here._

I walk through the streets, and people avoid me. They're scared of me. They don't like what they don't understand… or maybe it's just that they don't like someone who puts up walls. It isn't my fault that they all fit, like pieces of a puzzle, and I don't have a place. I just don't belong.

_I don't care if it hurts._

I'm back in my room, and I feel my body aching. I know what I'm doing, and I don't care.

_I want to have control._

I pinch my arm, and pull out my sketchbook. Maybe I can think myself out, if only for a few minutes. I begin drawing, and ignore the pain. I can control myself.

_I want a perfect body._

I can make myself pretty. Looks are everything, right Mom? Not for her though. She doesn't care what she looks like. She's confident, and that makes her pretty.

_I want a perfect soul._

I must be pretty, I must be smart, I must be envied, and I must be desirable. That's what they all want, isn't it? Perfection. Kindness? Sympathy? Happiness? Not part of the mathematical formula of perfection. They have to accept me now…

_I want you to notice when I'm not around._

She was always the only person who noticed. She asked about me, and was happy to see me. I never understood why.

_You're so f($#%ing special… I wish I was special…_

It would be nice, wouldn't it? Be her for a day. She isn't popular, but she doesn't give a shit. I like that. She might be the closest thing I ever had to a real friend… you know, one who actually likes me.

_But I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo._

I'm the one who knows things. No one listens, but I do know. Good girls, nice, normal girls, don't know things. They just do what society says. I'm too weird for society, so I'm the 'bad one.' The 'problem child.'

_What the hell am I doing here?_

No, seriously, what am I doing here? I don't want to be here, nothing is keeping me here, so why?

Oh, right. I'm a kid. I have no choice.

_I don't belong here._

Yeah. I know. You don't have to tell me.

_She's running out the door._

She got to leave, why do I have to stay? Why? It isn't fair! It isn't fair…

_She's running… she… run, run, run, run! _

I cry into my pillow, and send her a text. "Hey, what's up?"

No answer.

_Run._

I could do it. I could leave. It would be easy… but I won't. I could never survive. Anyway, I'll get out eventually, right?

_Whatever makes you happy. Whatever you want. _

I'll do what they want me to. Keep my head down. I just have to keep smiling. Just keep smiling… my own personal motto.

_You're so f(*&^ing special… I wish I was special…_

I look at my phone. I wish I could talk to her, but I'm too scared to call. What if she hates me now? What if..?

_But I'm a creep! I'm a weirdo!_

She saw me, I know it, and she didn't like it. Why does that realization hurt so much? She never said she liked me. Her opinion shouldn't matter. It doesn't matter.

_What the hell am I doing here?_

I look in the mirror. I have to get rid of the tears before my parents see them. I don't want them to worry.

_I don't belong here._

Concealer, and some new mascara do the trick. I add some eye shadow as a finishing touch. I may not belong, but at least I look the part, to an outsider.

_I don't belong…_

Then, my phone buzzes. "Hey! It's been forever! What's up?"

_Here. _

I smile. I may not belong _here_… but that doesn't mean that there isn't somewhere I belong.


	3. Alone

Author's Note- You don't have to read this. I know it sucks. So, whatever. Guess who's talking?

I can't believe she would do this to me.

I thought she was my friend. She said she was. Would a friend do this to me? Make me cry until I couldn't stand another tear? Me, a kid who _never_ cries?

A stupid text ruined me whole day. She didn't even bother calling me to tell me. I guess I'm not the greatest person in the world, but I never thought it was possible to feel so worthless. I have done things that most people only dream of doing, but I don't really care about that. I want someone I can count on… besides my family, anyway.

I miss summer. Winter ruins everything. Winter is dead. Snow is blank, and becomes a weapon as soon as the ice sets in. The skies are dark, and the sun is slacking off. I miss the sun.

I know what they call me, you know. I'm not oblivious, the way I pretend to be, absorbed in my books and music. I know what they think of me. I'm a nerd, a loser, and a freak. I think I'm _so smart,_ but I'm really just lying to myself- not to mention everyone else.

What happened to me anyway? What happened that made me so different? I know, _I know,_ I'm better than them… but I'm not, am I? Anyway, she's still got the power to make me hurt, so I guess I'm still not as strong as I wish I was. I put up armor, a wall of paper, and oblivion, and lies… how did she get past it?

I let her in at the gates. I thought she would never hurt me. How stupid am I? Everyone will hurt you, if you let them get to close.

Maybe I should stop letting people in. Isolation can drive you crazy, but it hurts less than this. I mean, who really needs friends, if they just want to play with you and then throw you on the ground to be crushed?

I don't want to do anything. I don't even want to think. I don't want to leave my room. I don't trust that someone won't hurt me again. I'm too worthless to have friends. Stupid, lazy, annoying people don't have friends. I'm too much of an idiot to trust. I have been taken advantage of, played like a violin, and plain messed with to many times to count.

I am pathetic, aren't I? Sorry about making you listen to my pity party. You probably don't want to.

Go away. Stop reading this. I just want to be left alone.


	4. The Clearing

Author's Note: This was basically bleeding onto the page. I had to write it. Don't worry; it's not as depressing as the others.

It's the best feeling in the world when you can stop. It's like, there's this pressure, these _expectations,_ that you have to hold up and it _never ends._ It seems impossible. I'll admit, sometimes I feel like I want to just pass out.

The thing is, the harder you fight, the better it feels when you _don't have to fight anymore._ It's peaceful, for the first time in what feels like forever, and you can just let every taped down emotion spill out, and I'm crying, and I don't have to worry about someone seeing me, or what they think, and I can exist in that space. I don't have to think about my grades, or college in four years, or even the people who love to mess with me at school, because even if on Monday they steal my clothes in the locker room again, right now they can't get to me. No one can get to me. I am free, and I don't have any pressure on my shoulders. I'm _awake. _I'm _alive._ You can't know how much it makes me want to scream _every day_, trying to make it through what seems like an endless forest. In moments like this, I can see a speck of light. Sure, it's far away, but I _will_ get there someday.

Who knows, it might come sooner than I think. My parents are going to help me, and I'm going to get a second chance in just a few months. If I can hold out that long, I'll be through.

That's not the best part though. The best part is that finally, after so long, I'm happy right now. I don't _need _to look for the speck of light- I'm standing in a clearing full of it. I can just exist, here, doing the thing I love best in the world…

I have two days before I have to go back into the monotonous numbness. The thing is, though, there will always be clearings. If I can get through a rough patch and find the clearing, I know I can get to the light. I will never forget the forest, but I can leave it. Soon…


	5. When It Ends

Author's Note: Okay, this one is for Deathreats. The new story rocks- thanks for the mention!

Since nobody guessed right for the third chapter, I'll drop a hint; not all these are from a female POV.

Also, any awkwardness in this chapter is intentional.

Things are crazy right now. I like that.

I'm scared about what will happen when things _aren't_ crazy anymore.

Every day, something more unbelievable happens in a place I usually despise. I hated this town, because I was always bored, and usually alone. Things seem to have changed since then. It's weird, not because of all of the Para normalcy, but more because I have people to turn to when I'm crying, and I smile on a daily basis. I know, I had a few friends before, but… well, the thing is, I couldn't even talk to my supposed "best friend." Real friends are different.

I try to stay in the moment, and remember that there's still almost a month left, but then I keep thinking, _I can't go back to being by myself._ I know I did it for a long time, but that was before I knew what having friends I could rely on not to leave me for whatever looked like more fun, and be there to look out for me when I was in trouble… even if I didn't know it.

It's going to be so hard when the summer ends. I have a feeling that once it's over, then _it's all over._ That includes the magic. I don't know what to call it aside from magic. I mean, ghosts? Hidden rooms? Secret journals full of codes and wild stories that turn out to be true?

It sounds like something out of a television show, Twin Peaks maybe. Shows always have endings, and I bet that this one will end before I'm ready for it. Except, it isn't a show- this is _my life!_ No one gets to do this sort of thing, but _I do._ How am I ever going to be able to go back to the unflagging boredom?

How am I going to handle it when they leave?

I know I'll see them again, but that won't happen for a long time. I'll miss them. I really will. I-

Sorry, this sounds so… fake. I'm terrible with emotions. It's hard for me to deal with them. It's even harder for me to try to express them. I'm just…

Never mind. This, writing this was a bad idea. I don't care if they all do it, it doesn't work for me. I'm sorry.


	6. Totalitarian

Author's Note: So. This happened.

I can't I can't I can't I CAN'T! I should be able to, I know I could, but I am a fool. They made me seem weak. They made me seem fake. It's a totalitarian district in America. Tiny towns are not quaint. They are not sweet, or innocent, or charming. These selfish bitches control us all. They scare us into submission. I'm a child, so I'm "protected" from knowing what _she_ will do to me if I speak out against _her._ They do things to the children to keep the parents in line. I will never know how they get away with it.

If I can't speak out, who will? They won't listen to parents anymore, not now that the Other Side has the brainwashed kids on its side. This is so damn wrong! How did I not see this sooner? How was I so blind for so very long? I didn't want to see it. I don't know how to stop it. The world is spinning, and the rulers will continue hurting the people, and there isn't a thing I can do about it, because _she_ controls everything.

Why _why WHY __**WHY **_do they let this happen? At least we're trying, but there are so few of us, and so many apathetic humans who won't do anything because they are either too lazy, or too afraid of putting their children in front of the firing squad. I understand that, I really do, but don't they realize that _unless someone does something soon, we will NEVER get out?_ I might be able to get out. I'm lucky enough to have the talent, money, and sheer willpower it will take to escape this place and never look back. We shouldn't need to be lucky to have choices though. Choices should be free.

That won't happen. Not in my lifetime, anyway. Not while _they_ are still around, or _they're_ children either. If someone is brought up on hatred and cruelty, then they need to have an incredibly powerful will to break out, and these children, these people I've known my whole life, they had their wills crushed while they were still playing with Superheroes and Dolls. I escaped that. I had parents who were rebelling against this place. I have had Escape the Fate and Breaking Benjamin to turn to when things took turns for the worse. I have grown up way too fast, but that is what let me survive, so many times.

I am not one of them. I will NEVER be one of them. I'm the outcast, the one that the other children are told not to speak to. I'm the one who sits alone at the lunch table with a book for company. I am alone.

I am so thankful for that.

Soon, I'll be out, and I'll be in a place where creativity is cherished, not ostracized, a place where intelligence and honesty are traits to be admired, not disgusted by. I just have to make it through June.

Can I though?


	7. Betrayal

Author's Note: I'm back! Guess what character this is?

Betrayal.

There's no other way to describe what I'm feeling. It's stark, broken, betrayal.

I can't believe what he said to me. He apologized, after, but… I don't know if I can forgive him… no, I will forgive him. I know I will. He's my best friend. I mean, its just words, right?

Why does it hurt so much?

He told me he would never do that to me. I thought he was telling the truth. I trusted him. I still do, but… I just don't know. I can't even bear to talk to him right now. He was always there for me. When I was feeling desperate, like I had no friends, I talked to him. I believed that he would never hurt me. We had arguments, yeah, but never… never this bad.

I won't cry. If I cry, someone might ask why, and I don't want to talk about this. I just have to… I don't even know what I have to do. I don't want to know. I wish I'd never started it, with those dumb jokes. I should have pulled out when it started getting heated… I'm just so tired, all the time… I've been distracted… I really am sorry. I don't know how else to say it. My body is filled up with hurt, and it's just… too much. I have a huge workload. I haven't been sleeping. Everyone else in my life, aside from my family, seems to hate me.

He is my best friend.

He hurt me.

It hurts. It physically hurts. The stress of everyday life, added to this… it hurts.

I don't know why I'm being such a baby about this. I've been hurt before. It's not a big deal. We'll forget this in due time. Hey, soon, it'll all be over, and I'll be fine. I'm just going to get back to my work… before it gets too late…


End file.
